It’s that time of year. I’m announcing the first annual “Swamp Games 2017”!

I’ve been thinking about games which could prove useful for the family types who venture out here on the rare occasion they are all gripped with some form of collective insanity. After all, while the adults take three or four naps a day the children still need some sort of entertainment. In this article you will find a veritable treasure trove of tips to keep the young ones occupied. So this article fits today’s model of political correctness because after all, it’s for the children.

I call the first game “Ouch, Shit, Crap!” Those of you who are loyal readers may remember this quote from a post last year concerning yellow flies. This is a frequently heard exclamation out here during yellow fly season. We are entering the peak of yellow fly season and control of these little muzloid monsters is on every ones mind. “Ouch, Shit, Crap!” is specifically designed to help reduce the geehawdi movement.

To start, all the children should be assembled, rules explained, equipment issued and prizes displayed.

If you don’t feed the children frequently assembling them should be as easy as shouting “Ya wanna treat?” This works every time on my pit bull so it should work well. Of course if you want it to continue to work in the future you will need to give each child a treat. I suggest something with a lot of sugar and caffeine so they enter the game with a lot of energy and enthusiasm. A cup of extra strong coffee and sugar doughnut comes to mind.

The rules are really very simple although you can embellish them as needed for older children, say over the age of six or seven. Since the goal of the game is to see which child can kill or capture the most yellow flies in a set time period, six or eight hours is a good start, there aren’t many rules. So wing it.

Equipment is also negligible. A fly swatter and zip loc bag is about it. You want to avoid bug sprays, mosquito netting, gloves, etc. since the children will want to attract as many flies as possible within the time allotted. You might want to include calamine lotion in the suite of prizes.

By the end of six or eight hours your charges will be willing to kill for a bit of calamine lotion so it won’t take much to put the prize package over the top. Kept hungry, a popsicle and a ham sandwich might be all it takes to turn the horde into rampaging fly killers. If there are several children you can offer a second place prize. A shot of Southern Comfort with ice water chaser will help calm them after the excitement of the hunt.

There are a great many benefits to be had from this game. The children will learn eye hand coordination as they swat flies while learning how to hone their skill with each swat. It will also sharpen their reflexes as they react to the painful bites.

You will enjoy having fewer bites as you sip a few brews while watching the sun set. Don’t forget to wear gloves, insect repellent, mosquito netting and long sleeves.

A word of warning to any socialist democrats who happen to stumble across this blog. Don’t divide the flies at the end of the time period and award a prize to each child. Stupid is inherited and this will only teach them that competition doesn’t matter so the next time you play the game there will be no flies to count. They will only hole up somewhere in the shade and play with their toes all day. You need those kids swatting plus the fat kids will lose weight running from flies which is enough to justify the game in itself.

In the swamp, bears are a fact of life. You really, really don’t want to wander off into the brush to answer the call of nature then run across a bear. You could easily overheat not to mention the terrible mess of cleaning out your pants after sprinting a mile at top speed while screaming like a scared little girl. To avoid this situation you should teach the children a game I call “Where’s The Bear?”

There is only one rule for this game, don’t get eaten. Socialist democrats may want to strike this rule since the checks will probably still keep coming and you can always find another baby daddy to make more.

Equipment is a bit more elaborate than “Ouch, Shit, Crap!” As a minimum each child will need a topographical map, waterproof marker, GPS, walky talky, watch and compass. With each sighting the GPS coordinates are entered on the map, time noted and all information reported via walky talky.

At the end of the contest the surviving child with the most sightings wins. In case of a tie you might want to give each child a small club so the last child standing wins all.

You will soon learn which areas to avoid at what times of day. Bears tend to travel a set pattern and knowing this will endear you to whomever does your laundry.

Children are bound to love this game. They will learn tracking skills, how to recognize bear scat, map skills, radio communications, plus escape and evasion. It can also be viewed as a weight reduction program.

Have any ideas for “Swamp Games 2017”? Post them in comments. This could end up being an Olympic event. Be sure to get in on the ground floor.

No animals, muzloids, poisonous snakes, snowflakes or other vermin were harmed in the production of this post. Copyright 2017 by Ishimo; no rights reserved.